The Police Were Right!

I was at the beach yesterday and found a message in a bottle. Whoa-oh. This is what it said:

DEAR ANYBODY...

My name is Bobthaniel Eburstork, and if you're reading this, I'm probably dead. Or in a spaceship above with Tom Cruise. Stars look so much better up-close. The main reason you are reading this is because enclosed in this bottle, along with this message, is $500 in cash for your pleasure. It was in my pocket before I "disappeared," but that's another story. Somehow you also received a special edition DVD copy of Back To The Future Part III; probably because you're not good enough to watch I & II. If there's a scratch on the disc, it's because my cat stole it and thought it was a diamond. So let's get back to the money thing. Please use it wisely. If I hear you bought a 1980s Casio keyboard from eBay with that money I swear to god I will send you a message explaining to you why that is completely useless to you. You are also not allowed to buy anything with the phrase "Hannah Montana" in it. Unless it's a Hannah Montana screwdriver, Hanna Montana hatchet or the Hannah Bombtana weapons and explosion kit. One more important thing: if you see John, tell him I WILL beat him in chess. He'll know what it means, but you won't, and that's all that matters. Also, if a brick falls on you in about five minutes, it's Tom's fault. I usually don't warn people but I feel it's safe because you don't see too many messages in bottles in 2008. Well I'm probably rambling on now and you probably need help if you're still reading this.

Enjoy life, I can assure you mine is still better

-Bobthaniel J. Ebustork

P.S. You should leave now.

P.P.S. Heads up!

I think his first job was a chimney-sweep.