My Artistic Skills Do Not Bore You, But My Movie Scripting Skills Might.

Starting sometime soon, my new comic strip will be available once every 2 weeks to a month on this site. This comic is called, well, "comic." A different funny scenario every week, with sometimes reoccurring character strips such as The Adventures Of Superfail And Sarcasm Joe, Skinny Bob, and some others. The fist strip should be available to you by the end of the month. And also, almost every strip will have a take on McCain or Palin. Sometimes obvious, sometimes hidden. I did write a script for The Adventures Of Superfail And Sarcasm Joe, but it was about 2 pages long, way too long for a comic strip I'll post it tomorrow. So for now, I bring you a script I wrote over the summer. It's a really crappy script called Jesus Christ's BAMF House. I wrote it because I wanted to out-do my friend who was writing a script, and after he finished it, it was a beautiful aprox. 120-page piece of art. This was my follow-up. The worst racially and religiously offensive inappropriate unfinished first draft of:

JESUS CHRIST'S BAMF HOUSE

SCENE ONE: The Happening / Opening Credits

(Blackness. John Crane Voice-Over)

John: What the? Where am I?

(Quick flash to John lying on clouds, "Heaven")

God: Bitch you in Heaven!

John: Wait, are you God?

God: No I'm Gandalf, HELL YEAH I'M GOD!

John: What am I doing here?

God: You walked your drunk ass into the middle of an express way and got hit by an 18 wheeler.

John: DAMMIT!

God: Yeah, tragic. Look, are you staying here or do you wanna go back to Earth?

John: I'll take Earth for 500, Alex.

God: Yeah I don't know who the hell Alex is but I'm taking your stupid ass back to Earth. Hold on tight. You might get sent to a hospital after this.

John: Haha you're funny - wait what?

(John screams falling from the sky, face first on the roof of a Wal-Mart)

John: Wal-Mart? Really? Uhh...

(Fade to black: Dramatic music, traditional words flying at the screen)

THIS IS

JESUS

CHRIST'S

BAMF

HOUSE

HERE

WE

GO!!!

(Fade up: Cars driving down the street in front of Yodeler's Pub. Into: John, Vicky Masterstein, Eve Adams, and Jake Prutzer)

John: So there I was, laying on clouds, when suddenly I hear this angry black man scrtreaming at me. And guess what? It was God.

Jake: That is one fucked up story dude.

Eve: I had no idea that God was black!

Vicky: I thought he was Jewish.

Jake: Vick, that's just cause you're jewish.

Vicky: No! You racist bastard! Vicky Masterstein might by 73% Israelian, but is 0% Jewish!

John: One, Jake you're a dick. Two, Vicky... I don't even think "Israelian" is a real word.

Vicky: If it's not a real word, then how come I'm 73% it?

Jake: Cause you're a fucking idiot!

Eve: Whoa, whoa, take it easy guys. Look, if Vick says she's 73% Israelian, then she's 73% Israelian. If John says he saw a black God, he saw a black God. If I say I'm a lesbian and at nights I take my dildo out of the closet-

(The rest of the group gives Eve a strange look before she finishes talking)

Eve: Did I say lesbian and at nights I take my dildo out of the closet? I meant idf I say I'm a thespian and at nights I take me scripts out of the closet, then I'm a thespian and at nights I take my scripts out of the closet.

(The group still staring)

Jake: Yeah, whatever Eve. Look, I'm really bored. I'm gonna go get drunk somewhere else.

John: Yeah, I'm gonna go take a nap.

Vicky: I'm gonna go buy some groceries.

Eve: I'm gonna take out my dildo!-

(Now, whole bar is staring)

Eve: Did I say dildo? I meant scripts.

(Eve awkwardly leaves. End of scene one.)

SCENE TWO: A Different Kind Of Change

(Cut to: Close-up: John sleeping. Using the magic of CGI, we zoom into John's head seeing yet another Heaven visit.)

John: Oh God dammit, here again?

God: Well Mr. Crane, I can damn whatever the hell I want.

John: Oh ha ha. Look, why am I here again?

God: I ain't finished with you yet homes. I'm sure you know these guys: Jake, Eve, and Vicky.

John: Guys? What the hell are you doing here?

Jake: Fuck if I know.

God: I brought all of you here today because you four are the chosen ones. You four are the ones who will help me run Heaven. But I am changing all of your names.

Eve: Why the hell would you do that?

God: Cause I'm god and I can do whatever I want. Now, Vicky, your new name is Mary.

Vicky: Mary? Why Mary?

God: I've watched you. You haven't slept with anybody. Eve, your name I'm not changing because I'm just that awesome.

Eve: Bitchin'

Vicky: What?!

God: Shut up little virgin girl. Now for you Jake, your new name is Judas.

Jake: Alright! Fuckin' sweet! Just like Judas Priest! Ooh! Can I be a priest too?

God: Yeah, whatever. Do what you want.

Jake: Ballin'!

God: And for you John, your new name is...Jesus.

John: Like, Jesus Christ? That Jesus?

God: Yes. You are my most important. Now, you all have jobs based on the Greek gods. Vicky, you will be my Aphrodite.

Vicky: Oh, how ironic.

God: Eve, you are my Artemis.

Eve: Wasn't she goddess of the hunt?

God: Hell yayah.

Eve: Oh, Sweet!

God: Jake, you are my Ares.

Jake: Awesome! In one day my name is changed to Judas, I'm the God of War for... well, God, and I find out that Eve is a lesbian!

Eve: SHUT UP JAKE!

God: Now John. You are my Dionysus.

John: God of Parties?

God: Oh yes. Your task is to create the greatest dance and party pad H eaven has ever seen.

John: Nice!

God: Okay now, I have set your body clocks to never wake up. That means you'll be staying here for a while. Now, get some rest. Tomorrow I will assign some tasks for y'all. Go on now.

(End of Scene Two)

SCENE THREE: The First Day

(Cut to: God standing on clouds in front of the sleeping house)

God: Wake up bitches!

(Cut to: Inside of sleeping house)

Eve: Dammit. What the hell does he want?

Vicky: Probably gonna tell us about our stupid tasks.

Jake: Why the hell do we have to do these stupid-ass tasks? I'd rather fall asleep on a bed of tacks.

John: Jake, did you just rhyme?

Jake: Uh...no?

God (From outside): What the hell is taking you so long?

Eve: Guess we better get out there.

If this ever was a movie, I'm not quite sure how I would respond.