LHLR

I've moved. http://lovehatelustrage.blogspot.com

And I'm Sorry Mr. Jones, It's Time

...I fucking love Ben Folds. My creative skills are out right now. When I think of something, I'll return...

Happy 30! / Lazy / This Needs To Change / The Top 10 Sickest Cannibal Corpse Song Titles

I. 30TH POST!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!! K.

II. Let The Cult Reign as well as Matt Lauer: Robot In Disguise are non-existent. Sorry.

III. The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame inductee rules state that a band cannot be inducted unless they have recorded music for 25 years. Let's change that. Can't it just be 20 years? Because if it was, by 2010 Cannibal Corpse, The Mountain Goats, NOFX, Jane's Addiction, and more would be in there, which they all deserve to be. Which leads me to my next point.

IV. The Top 10 Sickest Cannibal Corpse Song Titles. In honor of their new record, Evisceration Plague, I have chosen to take the top 10 most shocking, disturbing, and disgusting track titles by the most brutal band in America.

1. Entrails Ripped From A Virgin's Cunt

2. Fucked With A Knife

3. I Cum Blood

4. Dismembered And Molested

5. Edible Autopsy

6. Orgasm Through Torture

7. Meat Hook Sodomy

8. Post Mortal Ejaculation

9. Stabbed In The Throat

10. Skewered From Ear To Ear

And as a bonus... the top 5 sickest CC album covers (just Google them)

1. Worm Infested

2. The Wretched Spawn

3. Gallery Of Suicide

4. Butchered At Birth

5. Tomb Of The Mutilated

Let The Cult Reign

On April 26th, I will be going to see the greatest metal band of all time - Static-X. In honor of this totally badass event, on a mystery day in April I will be putting on an iMix called The Best Of Static-X: Let The Cult Reign. I handpicked 25 of the best and heaviest tracks from the cult's career.

1. Stingwray

2. Push It

3. Wisconsin Death Trip

4. The Trance Is In Motion

5. I'm With Stupid

6. Fix

7. This Is Not

8. Machine

9. ...In A Bag

10. Otsego Undead

11. Otsegolectric

12. Kill Your Idols

13. Destroy All

14. Control It

15. Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment

16. Start A War

17. Dirthouse

18. Skinnyman

19. I Want To Fucking Break It

20. Night Terrors

21. Cannibal

22. No Submission

23. Destroyer

24. Goat

25. Chroma-Matic

The day of release will be hidden in the first episode of the new YouTube series Matt Lauer: Robot In Disguise. The number of the day will be used in context with a sentence. Figure it out, and pick up the iMix in April. ML: RID premieres on Friday at youtube.com/lemonwedge24

Metal: You Really Can't Kill It

In 2 days, one of my favorite metal bands, Cannibal Corpse, is releasing their new album, Evisceration Plague, and I am too god damn happy. I got an advance copy of it and it kicks ass. One of the sickest metal albums I've heard in a while. So why isn't this album getting the hype it needs to? Because it's a metal album. Metal has been underestimated for years, which is why I thank the Grammy people for making a metal field this year. Even so, the last two metal albums that got the most hype lately were Metallica's Death Magnetic and Guns 'N Roses' Chinese Democracy. Don't get me wrong, they're both amazing records, but we need to get these other bands up in the charts. One of my favorite metal albums last year was Opeth's Watershed. I heard about the band from a friend and picked up the album. So how come a great record can only be transferred by word of mouth? Does radio not have the balls to put some of these not so well known bands on their stations? Come on. Another great metal album from last year was Rage's Carved In Stone. These guys have been rocking since 1984, and I only heard about them last month. Sure, they're fucking megastars in Germany, but that's no excuse. And I'm even surprised that these guys can still keep rocking without radio play. Cannibal Corpse, Rage, Opeth, and others like Cradle Of Filth, Destroy Destroy Destroy, Dream Theater, and more, have all been around before and since the 90s, and I haven't heard crap from any of them on the radio. The only way I find them is from the iTunes store and friends. If you look on the iTunes store, these are the top 10 songs:

1. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson

2. Prom Queen - Lil' Wayne

3. Gives You Hell - The All-American Rejects

4. Just Dance - Lady GaGa

5. You Found Me - The Fray

6. Single Ladies - Beyoncé

7. Heartless - Kanye West

8. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

9. Circus - Britney Spears

10. I Hate This Part - The Pussycat Dolls

The top albums are:

1. 10 Greatest Hits - Credence Clearwater Revival

2. Working On A Dream (Deluxe Edition) - Bruce Springsteen

3. Soundtrack - Slumdog Millionaire

4. Working On A Dream - Bruce Springsteen

5. We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things. - Jason Mraz

6. Tonight: Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand

7. Soundtrack - Twilight

8. Fearless - Taylor Swift

9. For(n)ever - Hoobastank

10. 808s & Heartbreak - Kanye West

What kind of world do we live in where Britney fucking Spears has the #9 spot on the top 100 list and The Offspring comes in at fucking #98. What kind of world do we live in where Credence fucking Clearwater Revival and two fucking Bruce Springsteens rank over Led Zeppelin and Rise Against?! I don't fuckin' know. So, to educate the minds of the radio-controlled human population, I give you (my list of) the top 10 greatest metal albums of all time.

1. Master Of Puppets - Metallica

2. Wathershed - Opeth

3. Awake - Dream Theater

4. Seasons In The Abyss - Slayer

5. The Mob Rules - Black Sabbath

6. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - AC/DC

7. In Sorte Diaboli - Dimmu Borgir

8. Group Therapy - Dope

9. Cannibal - Static-X

10. Tomb Of The Mutilated - Cannibal Corpse

Listen with caution. And by that, I mean don't let your head explode from the awesomeness.

The Top 10 Hottest Actresses In Hollywood Cinema

So it's 12:38 AM on Friday night / saturday morning and I'm bored. I'm watching a really good movie and yet still bored. So here's my (opinionated) top 10 list of the hottest actresses in Hollywood cinema.

1. Scarlett Johansson

2. Keira Knightley

3. Roasario Dawson

4. Kristen Bell

5. Jessica Alba

6. Rose McGowan

7. Gisele Bundchen

8. Anne Hathaway

9. Jennifer Love Hewitt

10. Amy Adams

Let's start a debate

The Juggalo Chronicles Chapter 1

So I am a huge fan of ICP. So I made a story type of thing. It's called The Juggalo Chronicles and here's the first chapter.

Chapter 1: Juggalo Park

Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope finally unveil Juggalo Park.

1. Bring It On (J & Shaggy welcome the Johnson family to Juggalo Park with a wicked introduction.)

2. My Fun House (At the first attraction at JP, the Johnsons decide to take a stroll through the juggalo fun house.)

3. Tilt-A-Whirl (After the house walk, the Johnsons take a ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl.)

4. Wagon Wagon (After their ride, the JP wagon kidnaps the Johnsons from the Tilt-A-Whirl and brings them to the shooting range at JP.)

5. Chicken Huntin' (Slaughterhouse Remix) [The Johnsons go "chicken huntin'" at the shooting range. After their hunt, they decide to go on another ride]

6. Halls Of Illusions (The Johnsons witness the sick reality of what might be their real life. Of the course the children don't understand it at all.)

7. Toy Box (After their walk down the hallway, the Johnsons decide to go to something more kid-friendly. Toy Box seems like their best bet Seems like their best bet.)

8. Hokus Pokus (Toy Box scares the living hell out of the Johnson children, but they're excited to see a musical magic show. But what they don't know may be for the worse.)

9. Blaaam!!! (Because the Johnson children participated in the show, surprisingly without dying, they each got a prize. A magical lamp.)

10. The Juggla (The manager of JP specifically told the magicians not to give those lamps away. A strict rule at JP: don't fuck with The Juggla.)

11. House Of Mirrors (The Johnsons want to see if they can enjoy their stay at JP, so they go to one of their favorite carnival attractions. But this is no ordinary house of mirrors.)

12. Hell's Forecast (The Johnsons would like to know exactly what else they're about to expect from JP on the informational tape they were given at their arrival.)

13. The Shaggy Show (The Johnsons decide to take a break from rides and see another live show.)

14. House Of Horrors (The House Of Horrors is 18 & Over at JP. So the Johnson parents leave their kids at the JP day care center. Although, like everything else at JP, it's not your ordinary day care center.)

15. Headless Boogie (This "day care center" is actually a possessed graveyard with an evil caretaker. And a very neglectful caretaker. So I guess caretaker isn't really the right term here. Especially with the story he's about to tell.)

16. Boogie Woogie Wu (The Johnson parents died at the HOH. Of course, the children don't know that. They're busy listening to another story from the "caretaker.")

17. Juggalo Homies (The Juggla fires J & Shaggy for giving the Johnson children the lamps, and letting the Johnsons into JP at all. This sets off a brand new life for these two juggalos and their homies.)

Chapter 2: 1.2.09

Chapter 3: 1.3.09

The Top 10 Albums Of 2008

I'm tired so we're gonna make this short and and sweet. Pissed? Whatever.

1. Mindless Self Indulgence - If

2. Guns N' Roses - Chinese Democracy

3. Ben Folds - Way To Normal

4. Metallica - Death Magnetic

5. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular

6. Rehab - Graffiti The World

7. 3OH!3 - Want

8. The Mountain Goats - Heretic Pride

9. Dragonforce - Ultra Beatdown

10. Tom Morello / The Nightwatchman - The Fabled City

Buy them all at once and listen to them backwards.

(DISCLAIMER FOR STUPID PEOPLE: Don't actually play the albums backwards, what I mean is listen to The Fabled City first and work your way up to If.)

Heavy Metal Sex Jokes

What do heavy metal fans call a blowjob? A headbang

What's a heavy metal fan's favorite sex position? A 6669 (a six-six-sixty-nine if you don't know how to pronounce it)

What does a heavy metal fan call casual sex? A quiet riot

What does a heavy metal fan call incest? Doing it with a twisted sister

What does a heavy metal fan call a shotgun wedding? Guns n' roses.

What is a female heavy metal fan's rape song? Balls to the wall

More on the way...

Conqueration 1: Cube Runner

The very popular iPhone and iPod Touch application Cube Runner allows you to go to a site and create a level. So I did. Can you engage in conqueration and beat The Psycho? See for yourself.

When you launch Cube Runner, select SELECT LEVEL PACK

Select ADD LEVEL PACK

Enter the URL: http://cuberun.org/ThePsycho.txt

Select DOWNLOAD

ThePsycho should show up in THIRD PARTY LEVEL PACKS

Select THEPSYCHO

When you are at the main menu, select START NEW GAME

Be warned

(I haven't beaten it yet)

Seriously This Time, Guys...

So. Most projects of commitment that I've created to your knowledge have failed. I won't be working on Satan's Diary until summer and E Pluribus Venom just failed deeply. So, this one is REALLY REAL. My independent techno group Persuadecide - the first single is called Ur Not Blaque and will be available on iTunes anywhere from December 6-January 27. The full album, Causing Trouble In Modern Times will be available sometime in 2009. I'll post a reminder the day I know Ur Not Blaque is in the store. Persuadecide will take you over!

Satan's Diary

So it's been about a month since I've posted something. I'm writing a book, a new book entitled Satan's Diary: A Book In The Key Of Slayer. It's a novel composed of only lyrics written by the gods named Slayer. Mr. Araya should be proud. I'll keep posting other random crap, just not constantly.

2008 Presidential Teams I'd Like To See: Democrats (w/ occasional slogans)

Batman/Robin '08

J/2 Dope '08

Guy/Rusty '08

Terminator/Robocop '08

Black/White '08 "The Jacks Are In The Presidential Deck"

Stewart/Colbert '08

Folds/Messner '08

Urine/Righ? '08

Letterman/O'Brien '08

Belichick/Favre '08 "Football Ain't The Only Thing We're Good At"

Check out the Republican list tomorrow and Democrats II on Thursday.

27 Atilla The Hun Jokes Which Include 16 That Don't Work So Well

What do you call Atilla in a race? Atilla The Run

What do you call Atilla when he goes religious? Atilla The Nun

What do you call Atilla when he gets disintegrated? Atilla The Done

What do you call Atilla when he becomes a comedian? Atilla The Pun

What do you call Atilla when he becomes a rapper? Atilla The Crunk

What do you call Atilla when he has sinned? Atilla The Shunned

What do you call Atilla when he moderates a daycare center? Atilla The Fun

What do you call Atilla's child? Atilla The Son

What do you call Atilla when he's in the sky? Atilla The Sun

What do you call Atilla when he bakes delicious pastries? Atilla The Bun

What do you call Atilla when he can't make up his mind? Atilla The Um

What do you call Atilla when he's drunk? Atilla The Rum

What do you call Atilla when he joins the Jonas Brothers? Atilla The C**t

What do you call Atilla when he joins Metallica? Atilla The One

What do you call Atilla in a galaxy far, far away? Atilla The Hut

What do you call Atilla when he's invisible? Atilla The None

What do you call Atilla when he's a cookie? Atilla The Crumb

What do you call Atilla when he's out in the cold? Atilla The Numb

What do you call Atilla when he looks at his hand? Atilla The Thumb

What do you call Atilla when he's stupid? Atilla The Dumb

What do you call Atilla when he becomes homeless? Atilla The Bum

What do you call Atilla when he becomes a math teacher? Atilla The Sum

What do you call Atilla when he makes fruit? Atilla The Plum

What do you call Atilla when he becomes a British mother? Atilla The Mum

What do you call Atilla when he does a Pepto-Bismol ad? Atilla The Tum

What do you call Atilla when he goes to the bathroom? Atilla The Dung

What do you call Atilla when he becomes a bell? Atilla The Rung

Every Day Is Just Another Punch In The Face / Assholes, Beware!

Fuck, procrastination is a bitch ain't it? You wake up, go to work, come home, grab a beer and fuck around for a few hours until you wake up the next morning with every feature of your body fucked up and nothing accomplished. You wasted dollars among dollars on useless crap and your computer is unexaggeratedly screwed up and you can barely use it. Society is laughing at you and so is all of the female gender. You remember back in school when it was simple a simple time where if you fucked something up your teacher would just say "Oh, sweetie it's ok. Just say you're sorry and don't do it again." You miss an assignment at work and it's "What the fuck happened?! One more instance like this and you're fired!!!" In other news, ,ore than 50% of metal sucks. All these guys are trying to sound all heavy and dark and ominous and shit. Just because you say "death" 400 times in your song doesn't mean you're metal. In this instance, I'm in another band. A metal band unlike any other. Diablo Immortica, the metal band whose songs are unlike any other metal songs and whose lyrics will maybe just give you a headache. Blowing your mind is too dark. Now, we still do talk about metal-type stuff, just not as much as other bands. And we can assure you Diablo Immortica is a kickass metal band name. Right up there with Dying Fetus. (No offense - they fuckin' rule.)

Saturday Night Calls For Artistic Genius

It's Saturday. Night. Past 7PM. I just spent the last two hours playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl with a couple of my friends. And now I'm here blogging. You're probably asking yourself (or maybe not) "Don't you have a girlfriend you could be with or something like that?" Good joke. Anyway, this a short story. If it sucks to you it doesn't matter. I wrote it.

"It must have been around midnight when it happened. I was running through the streets when I saw this jewelry store. Very ciché I thought, but I had to. Shiny diamonds get me off. Anyway, I just broke through the glass, grabbing as much as I could. Every jewel in the entire store. Millions of dollars worth of luxuries. And then they came. The cops, everywhere I could see. Chasing me in one direction after another. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran straight through the cops, quarterback style. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. Then they had me. Handcuffed and tazed. And now I'm here"

"Erm...you do realize you're trying not to get sent to jail, correct?"

"Yes your honor"

We Like Fiction: 11 Short Stories About My Brain - Part I & Titles For II-XI

I'm writing a book. We Like Fiction: 11 Short Stories About My Brain. Here's the first draft of the first story.

The Gravity Fairy: Scientific Irony

There has been some evidence regarding The Gravity Fairy. The Gravity Fairy isn't so much a fragment of our imagination, but a combination of irony and myths. You see, gravity is the force in which things fall. As we know from prior knowledge, fairies usually float in mid-air either by magic or wings. Even though wings help you fly, you don't technically stay in mid-air for long periods of time. If you ever see this fairy, whether it bee on TV, in a movie, or made up by your science teacher, report this instance to your local county sheriff. Now, you're probably asking yourself, "what the hell is a gravity fairy and why is this guy talking about him?" Well, there is a flaw in your question. The Gravity Fairy is neither male or female. The Gravity Fairy is a hermaphroditic dragon who loves Rush and Prince and High School Musical 4: Decapitation Education. It is a known fact that The Gravity Fairy was created by an Italian scientist named Tobor Noisavni. His lab was located directly under the Eiffel Tower, and was about the size of the Caesar's Palace hotel in Las Vegas. He spent most of his days trying to figure out the best cheat codes for all games fourth in its series. Grand Theft Auto IV, Metal Gear Solid IV, Guitar Hero IV, Resident Evil IV, Final Fantasy IV, and his personal favorite, Monkey Shooter 4000 IV. So what was the reason for The Gravity Fairy's creation? Tobor was watching a special called Galileo: The Man Behind The Balls. Tobor thought this special was incredibly misleading, but he watched the rest of it anyway. He learned that gravity was not only his favorite scientific element, but now his favorite word. Even though he had enough information, Tobor wanted to get a different take on it. He went out to Circuit City and bought a CD by Eddukashun, the popular rap group lead by Lil' Leo and MC Squared. The opening track, Forcin' Me To Be Free (Fall), inspired Tobor to create The Gravity Fairy. Tobor may have been an excellent scientist, but he needed some materials to make this creature. He needed a great amount of things: Cough syrup, iodine, lye, matchbook strike pads, muriatric acid paint thinners, hydrogen peroxide, PH strips, PVC pipes, and some fuel cans. He would have bought some imodium, but he felt it wasn't necessary. Tobor brought these materials back to his lab and spent approximately 9 hours, or Q 1/2 minutes, on this project. About 12 minutes after he was finished, The Gravity Fairy emerged from the cloud of smoke rising from the test tube. It started flying around his lab, going absolutely insane. He still has to take out some of the bugs. Tbor was chasing The Gravity Fairy for about 17 seconds before he trapped it in a jar. Angered by his failed hard work, he called up his friend Charlie Jones, also known as DJ Killafoshizza on MTV's Rap-ternoons. Charlie told him that to make sure The Gravity Fairy does not go completely insane again, you must say the "magic words (which happened to be French):" D'neirf L'rig Á Déen Í Edud. After saying these words, it seemed The Gravity Fairy calmed down quite a bit. But that was just the beginning. No one quite knows what happened to Tobor, Charlie, or The Gravity Fairy after that. Some people say that The Gravity Fairy married The Scratch Goblin, a goblin who gives you strange scratch marks in your sleep, and moved to Afcalistan. If you see any of the four characters you just read about, contact 1-234-567-8910 immediately.

PARTS II-XI

II: How To Properly Crucify A Fly Prior To Its Viking Funeral

III: The Sketchy Side Of Town Whose Local Celebrity Is Jesus

IV: Happy Holla-days

V: Retards - A Story By Kurtt Easterplain

VI: RSI: Rhyme Scheme Infestation

VII: The Most Grammatically Correct IM Conversation Ever That Goes Where You Don't Expect It To

VIII: Stoning The Cities

XI: Mechanical Rooster

X: A Good Day For Germany

XI: The Unauthorized Diary Of Bobthaniel Eburstork

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab, Wow How I, Ron, Ic

Will somebody please tell me what the hell is up with Amy Winehouse? She's the ugliest piece of crap I've ever seen, her songs aren't good, she HAS been to rehab, what the hell? Sorry needed to get that off my chest. Now this: Wait-actually, I can't think of anything. Too tired. I'll be more creative later.

Eight Years Later: A Comedic And (Somewhat) Political Project To Stop Going Green And Stop Respecting Republicans

So me and my friends have decided that the worst things about politics are expressed in rap music. Although, that doesn't mean political rap-tivism is good. In this case, we have created Eight Years Later: A Comedic And (Somewhat) Political Project To Stop Going Green And Stop Respecting Republicans. We are called:

E PLURIBUS VENOM:

JOHNNY ROCKSVILLE (me)

MC JOSÉ

THE ATTACKA (my friends)

THE POLITICAL SIDE:

1. Plane By Plane (Intro)

2. Foreign, Obviously

3. Atlanta, Russia

4. Painless

5. Rapitalism (The Bush Cocktrin)

THE ENVIRONMENTAL SIDE:

6. Environ-Mental

7. Save Some Green (Keep Your Money And Hulk Comics)

8. She's Inconveniently Cute

9. Global Boring

10. Reduce, Reuse, Retarded

E PLURIBUS VENOM: Eight Years Later, available somewhere sometime.

The BAMF House: ACCESS DENIED / The Random And Sometimes Ongoing Ramblings Of Sarcasm Joe - "Lil'" Rappers

DISCLAIMER: If you or you and a friend try to finish and make Jesus Christ's BAMF House into a real movie, you will be, according to Metallica, broken, beaten down, and scarred. Very, very deeply. And now... The Random And Sometimes Ongoing Ramblings Of Sarcasm Joe

At first I thought all rappers were midgets. Then I thought they were just trying to be cool by putting Lil' at the beginning of their name. It worked for Bow Wow when he was young because he was very "lil'." And now he's just Bow Wow. It's the problem I have with Lil' Wayne, Lil' Kim, Lil' Jon, the list goes on. So why do they do this? Do they have little arms? Feet? Little time to come up with something original so they sample other people's songs? According the the Sarcasm Joe Dictionary, a "rapper" has two definitions:

a. a person who talks using rhymes, like a poet, only more vulgar.

b. a midget.

I want there to be a day when someone comes out with this: Masi' Jon or something like that. Although people might misinterpret the abbreviation for that.

My Artistic Skills Do Not Bore You, But My Movie Scripting Skills Might.

Starting sometime soon, my new comic strip will be available once every 2 weeks to a month on this site. This comic is called, well, "comic." A different funny scenario every week, with sometimes reoccurring character strips such as The Adventures Of Superfail And Sarcasm Joe, Skinny Bob, and some others. The fist strip should be available to you by the end of the month. And also, almost every strip will have a take on McCain or Palin. Sometimes obvious, sometimes hidden. I did write a script for The Adventures Of Superfail And Sarcasm Joe, but it was about 2 pages long, way too long for a comic strip I'll post it tomorrow. So for now, I bring you a script I wrote over the summer. It's a really crappy script called Jesus Christ's BAMF House. I wrote it because I wanted to out-do my friend who was writing a script, and after he finished it, it was a beautiful aprox. 120-page piece of art. This was my follow-up. The worst racially and religiously offensive inappropriate unfinished first draft of:

JESUS CHRIST'S BAMF HOUSE

SCENE ONE: The Happening / Opening Credits

(Blackness. John Crane Voice-Over)

John: What the? Where am I?

(Quick flash to John lying on clouds, "Heaven")

God: Bitch you in Heaven!

John: Wait, are you God?

God: No I'm Gandalf, HELL YEAH I'M GOD!

John: What am I doing here?

God: You walked your drunk ass into the middle of an express way and got hit by an 18 wheeler.

John: DAMMIT!

God: Yeah, tragic. Look, are you staying here or do you wanna go back to Earth?

John: I'll take Earth for 500, Alex.

God: Yeah I don't know who the hell Alex is but I'm taking your stupid ass back to Earth. Hold on tight. You might get sent to a hospital after this.

John: Haha you're funny - wait what?

(John screams falling from the sky, face first on the roof of a Wal-Mart)

John: Wal-Mart? Really? Uhh...

(Fade to black: Dramatic music, traditional words flying at the screen)

THIS IS

JESUS

CHRIST'S

BAMF

HOUSE

HERE

WE

GO!!!

(Fade up: Cars driving down the street in front of Yodeler's Pub. Into: John, Vicky Masterstein, Eve Adams, and Jake Prutzer)

John: So there I was, laying on clouds, when suddenly I hear this angry black man scrtreaming at me. And guess what? It was God.

Jake: That is one fucked up story dude.

Eve: I had no idea that God was black!

Vicky: I thought he was Jewish.

Jake: Vick, that's just cause you're jewish.

Vicky: No! You racist bastard! Vicky Masterstein might by 73% Israelian, but is 0% Jewish!

John: One, Jake you're a dick. Two, Vicky... I don't even think "Israelian" is a real word.

Vicky: If it's not a real word, then how come I'm 73% it?

Jake: Cause you're a fucking idiot!

Eve: Whoa, whoa, take it easy guys. Look, if Vick says she's 73% Israelian, then she's 73% Israelian. If John says he saw a black God, he saw a black God. If I say I'm a lesbian and at nights I take my dildo out of the closet-

(The rest of the group gives Eve a strange look before she finishes talking)

Eve: Did I say lesbian and at nights I take my dildo out of the closet? I meant idf I say I'm a thespian and at nights I take me scripts out of the closet, then I'm a thespian and at nights I take my scripts out of the closet.

(The group still staring)

Jake: Yeah, whatever Eve. Look, I'm really bored. I'm gonna go get drunk somewhere else.

John: Yeah, I'm gonna go take a nap.

Vicky: I'm gonna go buy some groceries.

Eve: I'm gonna take out my dildo!-

(Now, whole bar is staring)

Eve: Did I say dildo? I meant scripts.

(Eve awkwardly leaves. End of scene one.)

SCENE TWO: A Different Kind Of Change

(Cut to: Close-up: John sleeping. Using the magic of CGI, we zoom into John's head seeing yet another Heaven visit.)

John: Oh God dammit, here again?

God: Well Mr. Crane, I can damn whatever the hell I want.

John: Oh ha ha. Look, why am I here again?

God: I ain't finished with you yet homes. I'm sure you know these guys: Jake, Eve, and Vicky.

John: Guys? What the hell are you doing here?

Jake: Fuck if I know.

God: I brought all of you here today because you four are the chosen ones. You four are the ones who will help me run Heaven. But I am changing all of your names.

Eve: Why the hell would you do that?

God: Cause I'm god and I can do whatever I want. Now, Vicky, your new name is Mary.

Vicky: Mary? Why Mary?

God: I've watched you. You haven't slept with anybody. Eve, your name I'm not changing because I'm just that awesome.

Eve: Bitchin'

Vicky: What?!

God: Shut up little virgin girl. Now for you Jake, your new name is Judas.

Jake: Alright! Fuckin' sweet! Just like Judas Priest! Ooh! Can I be a priest too?

God: Yeah, whatever. Do what you want.

Jake: Ballin'!

God: And for you John, your new name is...Jesus.

John: Like, Jesus Christ? That Jesus?

God: Yes. You are my most important. Now, you all have jobs based on the Greek gods. Vicky, you will be my Aphrodite.

Vicky: Oh, how ironic.

God: Eve, you are my Artemis.

Eve: Wasn't she goddess of the hunt?

God: Hell yayah.

Eve: Oh, Sweet!

God: Jake, you are my Ares.

Jake: Awesome! In one day my name is changed to Judas, I'm the God of War for... well, God, and I find out that Eve is a lesbian!

Eve: SHUT UP JAKE!

God: Now John. You are my Dionysus.

John: God of Parties?

God: Oh yes. Your task is to create the greatest dance and party pad H eaven has ever seen.

John: Nice!

God: Okay now, I have set your body clocks to never wake up. That means you'll be staying here for a while. Now, get some rest. Tomorrow I will assign some tasks for y'all. Go on now.

(End of Scene Two)

SCENE THREE: The First Day

(Cut to: God standing on clouds in front of the sleeping house)

God: Wake up bitches!

(Cut to: Inside of sleeping house)

Eve: Dammit. What the hell does he want?

Vicky: Probably gonna tell us about our stupid tasks.

Jake: Why the hell do we have to do these stupid-ass tasks? I'd rather fall asleep on a bed of tacks.

John: Jake, did you just rhyme?

Jake: Uh...no?

God (From outside): What the hell is taking you so long?

Eve: Guess we better get out there.

If this ever was a movie, I'm not quite sure how I would respond.

I Should Never Be An Architect But I Could Totally Be A Product Pitcher

Sorry peeps. I sort of was busy and stuff and stuff. But I'm back! Hellyeah! So I decided if I were to make my own hotel it would be the following:

-Name: "The Suburb Disconnection"

-Slogan / Tagline: "The Hotel That Might Make Your Eyes Bleed Happy"

-Locations: California, New York, Illinois, Nevada, and Jersey just for the hell of it.

-Evidence Of Quality Awesomeness: Every room would have 7 bathrooms, a plasma TV, Blu-Ray DVD player, surround sound, an XBox360, GameCube, PS2, PS3, Wii, etc., and on the main floor there would be a giant pool shaped in the Metallica logo, arcade, gift shop, adults only section which contains bar and dance club, movie theater, and to top it all off, a concert theater for the best musical acts of the time called Bullseye Theater.

It would never happen though. So I would make two new insulting products:

-Name: "Brainwash"

-Purpose: To clean every single cell of your brain

-Multiple Versions: Vanilla and bubblegum

-Provider: Herbal Essences

-Side Effects: It doesn't affect your side as much as it does your head.

Or this one:

-Name: "Psychosuction"

-Purpose: The newest lypo-suction machine that will get it all out in less than 30 minutes

-Multiple Versions: None

-Provider: It will be prescribed by your local doctor

-Side Effects: May cause many to think they can play every Slipknot song on the guitar.

It could happen.

The Random And Sometimes Ongoing Ramblings Of Sarcasm Joe - Sarah Palin

Where has our world gone when the governor of Alaska is the vice president to a 72-year-old lying sack of crap? Where has the world gone when a huge hurricane is sweeping the country and the republican presidential candidate isn't trying to do anything about it? Where has the world gone when said hurricane is so bad it comes through Illinois and and I'm stuck in Panera Bread on my school laptop using a proxy to blog right now? The answers to these questions are somewhat unknown but it could be caused by one person: GIGANTOR!!! Wait...I mean SARAH PALIN!!! If you haven't seen her interview with ABC yet, you should. It's like the new Hulk movie (retarded and somewhat illiterate). But last night's SNL made me wish Palin was somewhat smart and attractive. Tina Fey was absolutely perfect as Palin, you couldn't even tell the difference between the two. And McCain? Well he's your new favorite retarded cowboy.

Viva La Metallica (Or Death And All His Magnets)

Wow. Just wow. Death Magnetic may just be the greatest if not one of the greatest albums of 2008 so far. A-fucking-mazing. 10 tracks, each 5 minutes+. Which means no crappy 3 and a half minute pop/rap songs. This is real shit. How music should sound. Metallica is back again. Finally. I've been a fan of them for a while, the classics like And Justice For All, Black Album, St. Anger, all the goodies. It seems that Death Magnetic has accomplished my goal for the future: to rape the universe and make shit cool again. Thanks to James Hetfield, Kirk Hammet, Lars Ulrich, and Robert Trujillo, music has a new definition: Death Magnetic. If Zeppelin IV had a 3-way with Scars On Broadway and Rage Against The Machine they would shoot out Death Magnetic. It is poetry. It will make your ears bleed happy. GO OUT AND BUY IT. RIGHT NOW.

An Apology And Replacement For 9/10, 'Soopa Doopa' Update, And My Piss Bucket Of The Month

So sorry. I do understand yesterday's post was absolutely horrible. It was stupid, but I couldn't think of anything else. And yes, as you can see, I am posting today.

The Replacement Post:

"Time Machine"

I want a fucking time machine. To go into the future when I'm rich, and to go back in time to see badasses like Lincoln and Jesus and to see Grindhouse in the theater again. Wait what?

SORRY I'M BORED!

'Soopa Doopa' Update

The first ever LBDC Pimptastical is going very well. Some sketches that will definitely be in it:

I, RONIC (parody of I, ROBOT)

HAND-ON (A Star Wars tribute to HEAD-ON)

DOCTOR SAMANTHA WHO (parody of DOCTOR WHO / SAMANTHA WHO)

and last but not least, the first ever UNIVERSAL RAPE PISS BUCKET OF THE MONTH!

This Month: 9/11

WARNING: I am about to piss of a lot of frickin people. A lot. It seems that 9/11 has turned into, like, I don't wanna say 'holiday,' more like an abused reason for us to be more protective. And it's all Bush's fault. If Gore was president, 9/11 wouldn't have happened and Bin Laden would be dead. This whole 9/11 remembrance deal... I don't know. I'm not saying it wasn't bad or important. It was horrible and I do think we should do something to commemorate it every once in a while. How about this: If 9/11 is such a big deal, children should get off on this day. If you're gonna take 15 minutes out of our day to sit in silence, request us to wear red white and blue on this day, be super patriotic, just let the schools out for a day. Two days if needed. But that's just me.

Tomorrow's Gonna Be A Weird Day (And This Is Gonna Be A Weird Post)

And I tell you this because I might not be able to do a post tomorrow. I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow that I need to get done. So besides the news about SDTP (Soopa Doopa The Pimptastical), I also bring you this:

"People Who Hate People That Hate People Who Hate People"

IT MAKES SENSE! I'm sick of all these people rambling on about how they hate people that hate people. But what about the people who hate those people that hate those people? I think they have a say. But there's also the people that hate the people for hating the people who hate people. Those are called "activists" or something like that. Now what's really horrible (and very, very confusing) are the people that hate the people that hate the people for hating the people who hate people. And so on and so on until a group comes around that hates the people for hating the people that hate the people who hate the people who are hating the people that hate people who hate people for hating people who hate people that hate people.

I hate people.

Ladies And Gentleman... Los Brothers De Comico Present SOOPA DOOPA! A PIMPTASTICAL!

And they're not spanish! That's right, me and a friend are gonna start writing some sketches for the web and put it together in one big bang called SOOPA DOOPA! A PIMPTASTICAL by Los Brothers De Comico. More news on the way! Check out their new blog soon!  Yay and stuff! And what is 897?

The Police Were Right!

I was at the beach yesterday and found a message in a bottle. Whoa-oh. This is what it said:

DEAR ANYBODY...

My name is Bobthaniel Eburstork, and if you're reading this, I'm probably dead. Or in a spaceship above with Tom Cruise. Stars look so much better up-close. The main reason you are reading this is because enclosed in this bottle, along with this message, is $500 in cash for your pleasure. It was in my pocket before I "disappeared," but that's another story. Somehow you also received a special edition DVD copy of Back To The Future Part III; probably because you're not good enough to watch I & II. If there's a scratch on the disc, it's because my cat stole it and thought it was a diamond. So let's get back to the money thing. Please use it wisely. If I hear you bought a 1980s Casio keyboard from eBay with that money I swear to god I will send you a message explaining to you why that is completely useless to you. You are also not allowed to buy anything with the phrase "Hannah Montana" in it. Unless it's a Hannah Montana screwdriver, Hanna Montana hatchet or the Hannah Bombtana weapons and explosion kit. One more important thing: if you see John, tell him I WILL beat him in chess. He'll know what it means, but you won't, and that's all that matters. Also, if a brick falls on you in about five minutes, it's Tom's fault. I usually don't warn people but I feel it's safe because you don't see too many messages in bottles in 2008. Well I'm probably rambling on now and you probably need help if you're still reading this.

Enjoy life, I can assure you mine is still better

-Bobthaniel J. Ebustork

P.S. You should leave now.

P.P.S. Heads up!

I think his first job was a chimney-sweep.

If Rap Songs Were Grammar Class

So I came up with a few "appropriate" versions of popular rap verses. Enjoy it god dammit! :)

"Milkshake" by Kelis

ORIGINAL LYRICS

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And they're like, it's better than yours

Damn right, it's better than yours

I could teach you, but I have to charge

NEW LYRICS

My frozen dairy treat brings all of the male gender to the grassy area in front of my residence.

They say it is superior to yours.

Yes, they are correct. It is superior to yours.

I could share this knowledge with you, but you'd have to pay a fee.

Or how about this one:

"Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake

ORIGINAL LYRICS

I'm bringing sexy back

The other boys don't know how to act

I think it's special what's behind your back

So turn around, I'll pick up the slack

NEW LYRICS

I'm making attractiveness "in" again.

The other members of my gender are not quite sure how to respond.

I am fond of what you are hiding behind you.

So please, turn around and I will gladly take what is there.

Last one (the title isn't even grammatically correct!):

"The Way I Are" by Timbaland

ORIGINAL LYRICS:

I ain't got no money

I ain't got no car to take you on a date

I can't even buy you flowers

But together we can be the perfect soul mates

Talk to me girl

NEW LYRICS:

I'm sorry, but I am out of cash at the moment.

I also do not have a motorized vehicle to take you somewhere.

I'm also sorry to mention I am not able to pick up a bouquet of roses for you.

But if you would be willing to be my significant other we could be ideal together.

And call me when you have a second.

I should send this to my english teacher.